another letter

dear,
someone who (used to) said, you wanna be my 'London Eye'-- and i yes it is related to this & i just realized how cringey am I--
my (used to be) dimsum buddy
my (used to be) movie partner
my (used to be) someone that i felt comfortable, even im our silence
my dear, always, be friend

if you ever come to visit here, thank you.
but if not, just let the universe lead you.
it just me, cant say this, or even just copy-paste all of the content here to you.

hi.
this post doesn't mean to rant or trying to teaching u anyway. my thought is openly written here.
been wondering am I alright?
no i am not.
but life is go on, so what is my excuse.
i did cry. a lot. even wigmar & amy really can bother about it anymore lol. from our last chat about overing it, takes me 2-3weeks or more, i guess.

finally, that time when i'm feeling like i do can accept things, like a storm, u freaking post a snap of a girl. rite. before. u post my gift. wow.

i did speculate things:
you really such a jerk u got a replacement
ah, not yet, no, u are not that jerk
she is maybe just a friend
but
but
but
etc
i really always see the s i l v e r l i n i n g in everything & with all my 'geniusity' pretend that there is still hope. dumb.

u know,
how afraid am i to finally took back your helmet? this. because of this. i know somehow by having ur helmet back you got the new one, the new replacement of me.

and here we are.

yes,
all my speculation and theory(ies) is true.

kinda relieve you got someone on your birthday, right :) bless, you, dude.

the first time you did your effort to "do things" to me, somehow i remind myself, you may did the same thing to me in the future. got some replacement after the break up, just in a couple of days. i did scared. i did.
i rarely have this kind of thing
i even rarely have another gender, try to make a move for me (i guess, never, in collage. lol i kno im a noob)
i rarely have that romantic things u did
i rarely got someone taking me as priority
and
you came
with all the hopeful hope
something that sweet
& yes i never got that.
day by day i keep telling myself to try to trust you, as you said.
to trust you, that youre not a flirtation bastard.
to believe, you really did try, and not thinking this is just 'main-main'
to finally, at least, can help you, to heal you, you said.
and yes, that day by day i did fall for you.
you got me.

i adore your honesty
i adore your sweet talk
i adore how passionate you talk about phone stuffs, magang
i adore you really dont judge me from eating too much lol (even after seeing me eating ceker :()
i adore how you really do have some courage by taking risks with all the 'penipuan' things & not giving up
i adore your cutie side of yours, lol

by saying 'its on me' u said, from the past, well i thought, just maybe, u finally realize it is wrong & somehow want to change it & with an open heart i really did trying to help.

3 months, really a short time.
i saw us, could have another more time, maybe, just maybe in the future, to finally making the relation could go further & deeper. too many untold stories that i thought maybe, just maybe, could be tell in the future.
i thought, we still have time.
& again, yes, finally my theory is wrong.

it's not about the quantity,
but the quality, they said.
again, yes, i just realized this.

u said your priority changed is the reason.
-- i accept this. i still think (again, a stupid hope) you may need your time alone.

u said you dont want to start everything from zero, u tired.
-- what a bullshit way to approach someone. and stupidly, i do believed you. you said you tired, but look at you, easily got another one. let me tell you something. the way to not restart anything from zero, meeting new people, is by embrace what you had. someone that finally let their heart for you. you finally got a way, so you just need to walk through it. by walk to it, that means, accept their quirkiness & walk the way together through every up & downs. don't lowering your effort. gak sekali dua kali akhirnya dikasih kesempatan sama orang, to finally giving you way, open up gitu sama orang lain.

u thought, i know your new one, and i'm okay just judging from my response with ease like nothing happened
-- well, f*ck u. wqwqwqwq. of course not, duh. i responded like that, because, yes im trying to didn't make anything awkward. gak mau memutus silaturahim & apa yg salah dgn gue bantu orang yg nanya dalam kebingungan kan.

kesel? iya gue kesel
cried? yes i did cry.
why i cried? i felt really trashy.
i literally told you how i always felt left out, rite.
that is my exact feeling.
kata lalabohang, on her book,
the feeling being left behind, there is always that hopeless feeling of loss and grieve. it is simply because nobody likes rejection.
and exact feeling that i'm afraid of
& you always confines me thats it's on you, but i cant help that feeling of being guilt i guess. by there is a replacement, i keep looking is it really something on me too that make you looking for another. of course i have some lacks but idk blaming myself is never really stop. lol. i kno kno i should stop. but, like you said, maybe its on me.

but, hate? no
like i said, i always believe there always a silverlining in everything & there always be 2 side of point of view in every story.
i do still friend of you, rite?

please keep this in your mind,
yes what you did was awful
but just don't take any pity of me :)
it is somehow just things that we should walked by, i will heal somehow somewhen, insyaAllah.

no, gue bukan sok suci or just being nice.
im not trying to impress anyone too.
i do really trying to be nice to people,
i treat people the way i wanted to be treated. so, yha, its on me i guess. lol

what you did, is something that i really thankful, so, yes, thank you so much for the rides (and literal rides). really appreciate your efforts then.

this always gonna be my favourite verse on Quran:
“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you And perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. Allah knows, while we know not" (Q.S 2: 216)

wishing you the greatest in everything!

PS: if YOU felt like YOU are the one i talked about, let me know, plz. just so I know the message has been received! you can talk, friend.